ARGUMENT147 - The following appeared in an editorial in a business magazine.

"Although the sales of Whirlwind video games have declined over the past two years, a recent survey of video-game players suggests that this sales trend is about to be reversed. The survey asked video-game players what features they thought were most important in a video game. According to the survey, players prefer games that provide lifelike graphics, which require the most up-to-date computers. Whirlwind has just introduced several such games with an extensive advertising campaign directed at people 10 to 25 years old, the age-group most likely to play video games. It follows, then, that the sales of Whirlwind video games are likely to increase dramatically in the next few months."

说明：第一次正经写，在电脑上写的，竟然花了1个半小时，在这里对一下以前的文章，好像风格差很大，不知道怎么办才好。开始着急了，好心人一定要多多批评啊！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！



As implied in the magazine, collecting information about customer preference do help to improve business performance, but it's not cogent to declare that a survey conducted among a limited group of customers can attain exact information on customer preference. Moreover, a decline in profit can be resulted from several causes rather than customer's interest.

Factors ranging from macroeconomic recession to fashion changing all can lead to a sales decline in Whirlwind, especially such decline is detected over two years, during which a large-scale change in macroeconomic conditions can take place. An economic recession reduce the overall disposable revenue of families. Expenditure abilities of customs in the age of 10-25 are more vunerable in the recession, given a large part of them are totally or partially supported by their families.Besides, a fashion change in games, which make video games an out-of-date entertainment for yougsters,  can also be possible during two years. Technology development has prompted the entertainment devices to evolve from one generation to the next so rapidly that Iphone, a famous device integating several functions produced by Apple, is escalated to the second generation, which is called Iphone 3G,only 6 monthes after the first generation was developed. Factors like recession and game fashion were not included in the survey mentioned in the magazine.

Information about competitors in the industry is also needed when assessing causes of the sales decline. In one hand, an increasing in the amount of companies entering the industry is quite possible a cause to the decline. In the other hand, sales of the new game providing lifelike graphics will be affected if there already are several companies providing similar games. Combination of the demand preference with supply conditions can be a better determinant of potential sales than demand itself.

Final consideration must be casted on potential acceptance of the new game. It is not clear whether the survey has covered a delegatable group of the whole customers and if those demanding for lifelike-graphic games take a great proportion in the total players. Even if most of the extant players can accept the new game, the  most-up-to-date computer the new game requires may prevent a large part of them.

Overall, adopting the business with customer preference surely is a smart approach to improve the performance. However, much more should be done to collect market information than only conducting a simple survey. Except from such information, macroeconomic condition, technology and fashion development, potential compitition are all critical to determine the feasibility of a new business.

[ 本帖最后由 石上泉8788 于 2008-6-19 00:27 编辑 ]

这是我第一次写的这篇，也用了差不多1个半小时，供参考，互相改改吧。
In this Argument, the arguer predicts that the sals of Whirlwind video games are going to increase sharply in the next few months. To support this claim, the arguer cites a recent survey, which indicates the opinion of video-game players that the most important features they thought in a video game is lifelike graphic, which require the most up-to-day computers. Subsequently, the arguer points out the fact that Wirlwind has just introduced several such games to the market, which aimed at people 10 to 25 years old, with an intensive advertising. To my opinion, the arguer has drawn too hastily to his conclusion without reasoning evidences supporting it. The argument is not persuasive as it stands.

First of all, the result of the survey is open to doubt. The arguer does not provide information about the number and background of the respondents such as demographic structure and career enrolled in the survey. Without such information, it is not sure if the survey represents the opinion of most video-game players.

Admitted that the result of survey is convincing, there is no evidence to substantiate that the respondents in the survey will doubtless buy Whirlwind’s new games. The respondents claimed in the survey that they “preferred” games with lifelike graphics, which did not mean they will buy them, since the factor lifelike graphics is not the mere reason for buying a game. Perhaps such games were too expensive for they, or perhaps they do not own a computer powerful enough to run such games, or perhaps they only play such games by their friends’. Moreover, the new game from Whirlwind is aimed at people 10 to 25 years old. But the arguer did not clarify if this population is included in the survey. Even the assertion that this population is most likely to play video games lacks the supporting evidence.

Otherwise, the arguer did not provide the information about peer products from other companies. Perhaps there were already some competing products on the market. Even if the new games cater to the game market and have great potentials comparing to other products as the arguer has assumpted, the new games need a period of time to integrate into the market and to become known by most video-game players. In this case, the conclusion from the arguer that the sales of these games are to likely to increase dramatically in several months is one too hastily generalized.

Finally, the arguer failed to analyze the reasons which result in the declination of Whirlwind’s sales in the past two years. Perhaps the management of the game company had problems, which resulted in problems of supplying chain. Or perhaps the whole economical trend in the past two years declined, and video-game players had not enough money to buy new games. In both cases, the mere strategy of put out new high-level games cannot better the sales.
  
To sum up, the arguer does not provide effective evidences to support his conclusion, which is cursorily drawn out. To strength his argument, the arguer should make a comprehensive survey concerning with the market potential the new games will have. Moreover, he should also make clear the exact reasons for the fall of the sales in the last two years in order to build corresponding strategies to solve the problem effectively.

In this Argument, the arguer predicts that the sals of Whirlwind video games are going to increase sharply in the next few months. To support this claim, the arguer cites a recent survey, which indicates the opinion of video-game players that the most important features they thought in a video game is lifelike graphic, which require the most up-to-day computers. Subsequently, the arguer points out the fact that Wirlwind has just introduced several such games to the market, which aimed at people 10 to 25 years old, with an intensive advertising.（我一直不知道为什么要用这么多话来重复原文的内容，必须这样做吗？我倒觉得很累赘，看了半天还没有进入正题。） To my opinion, the arguer has drawn too hastily to his conclusion without reasoning evidences supporting it. The argument is not persuasive as it stands.

First of all, the result of the survey is open to doubt. The arguer does not provide information about the number and background of the respondents such as demographic structure and career enrolled in the survey. Without such information, it is not sure if the survey represents the opinion of most video-game players.

Admitted that the result of survey is convincing, there is no evidence to substantiate that the respondents in the survey will doubtless buy Whirlwind’s new games. The respondents claimed in the survey that they “preferred” games with lifelike graphics, which did not mean they will buy them, since the factor lifelike graphics is not the mere reason for buying a game. Perhaps such games were too expensive for they, or perhaps they do not own a computer powerful enough to run such games, or perhaps they only play such games by their friends’. Moreover, the new game from Whirlwind is aimed at people 10 to 25 years old. But the arguer did not clarify if this population is included in the survey. Even the assertion that this population is most likely to play video games lacks the supporting evidence.（从我对原文的理解，认为玩游戏的人年龄在10-25岁之间这一点，并不是作者论证中的一个支持论据，而仅仅是一种背景资料的介绍，也就是说从文章中这一点的上下文来看，10-25岁并不是作者提出来的观点，而是一种客观事实。）

Otherwise, the arguer did not provide the information about peer products from other companies. Perhaps there were alreamarket and have great potentials comparing to other products as the arguer has assumpted（这个单词是？我不认识啊，哈哈哈哈，见笑了）, the new games need a period of time to integrate into the market and to become known by most video-game players. In this dy some competing products on the market. Even if the new games cater to the game case, the conclusion from the arguer that the sales of these games are to likely to increase dramatically in several months is one too hastily generalized.

Finally, the arguer failed to analyze the reasons which result in the declination of Whirlwind’s sales in the past two years. Perhaps the management of the game company had problems, which resulted in problems of supplying chain. Or perhaps the whole economical trend in the past two years declined（economical是节省的意思，应是economic，或者这句话可以直接用experience a recession）, and video-game players had not enough money to buy new games（这句话或许可以用can't afford the new games来代替）. In both cases, the mere strategy of put out （推出？）new high-level games cannot better the sales.
  
To sum up, the arguer does not provide effective evidences to support his conclusion, which is cursorily drawn out. To strength（strenthen） his argument, the arguer should make a comprehensive(我觉得comprehensive用的很好啊，我就没想到) survey concerning with（with多余的吧） the market potential the new games will have(或者可以改写成the potential sales of the new game). Moreover, he should also(moreover了，还要also?或者只用also还比较简洁。) make clear the exact reasons for the fall（我不太知道fall可不可以表达减少的意思） of the sales in the last two years in order to build corresponding strategies to solve the problem effectively.

很佩服，逻辑和结构都很清晰啊，除了第一段外都值得我学习啊，呵呵，可能也是我个人比较喜欢单刀直入的英文文章，觉得这样才正宗，哈哈哈。

[ 本帖最后由 石上泉8788 于 2008-6-19 11:53 编辑 ]

觉得2楼的写的不错，分析的很细啊。

谢谢LZ的修改，我是先写出中文提纲后再写的，这样思路就会比较清晰，不过考场上就不行了。第一段的问题我也有点矛盾，看了北美范文和其他范文里面都这样开头，所以我的文章现在有比较明显的模仿痕迹？楼主的写法比较有个人风格啊。这两天在忙ISSUE，过两天忙ARGU时一道帮你修改。

因为是用word的修订功能改的，所以修订的部分显示不出来，你自己对对吧。
As implied(indicated) in the magazine, collecting information about customer preference do help to improve business performance, but it's not cogent to declare that a survey conducted among a limited group of customers can attain exact information on customer preference. Moreover, a decline in profit can be resulted from several causes rather than customer's interest.

Other Factors ranging from macroeconomic recession to fashion changing  can also lead to a sales decline in Whirlwind, especially when such decline  was detected over two years ago, during which large-scale changes in macroeconomic conditions can take place. An economic recession could have reduced the overall disposable family revenue . Expenditure abilities of customs in the age of 10-25 are more vulnerable in the recession, given that a large part of them are totally or partially supported by their families. Besides, a fashion change in games, which make video games an out-of-date entertainment for yougsters,  could  also be possible during the last two years. (Development of Technology has prompted the entertainment devices to evolve from one generation to the next so rapidly that Iphone, a famous device integating several functions produced by Apple, is escalated to the second generation, which is called Iphone 3G,only 6 monthes after the first generation was developed.)(个人感觉这个例子放在这里有点突兀，毕竟argu不是issue) Factors like recession and game fashion  are not included in the survey mentioned in the magazine.

Information about competitors in the industry is also needed when assessing causes of the sales decline. On the one hand, an increasing on the amount of companies entering the industry is quite possible a cause to the decline. On the other hand, sales of the new game providing lifelike graphics will be affected if there already are several companies providing similar games. (不好意思最后一句看不太懂就删了呵呵)

Final consideration must be also casted on potential acceptance of the new game. It is not clear whether the survey has covered  representative groups of the whole customers or whether the demand of lifelike-graphic games is dominant  among the total players. Even if most of the extant players can accept the new game, the  most-up-to-date computer the new games require might be a limitation for purchasing them

Overall, adopting the business with customer preference is surely a smart approach to improve the business performance. However, much more should be done to collect market information except conducting a simple survey,  such as macroeconomic condition, technology and fashion development, potential competition, which are all critical factors  to the feasibility of a new business.