[IBT作文] “蓝鹰写作”活动之机经写作--第四期（9月22日）

mcdream

“蓝鹰写作”活动之机经写作--第四期（9月22日）

活动概述:

为帮助广大板油们提高写作水平，给大家一个共同讨论提高写作能力的机会，本版特举行"蓝鹰写作活动"，写作题库采用每次考试机经。

在练习写作的过程中,其实修改是最重要的一环,改好一篇文章胜过漫无目的的写十篇 .本次活动采用板油互相修改,共同谈论的机制,让大家可以互相发现问题,共同促进,将问题分析的更透彻。

活动规则：
1.每次考试时候放出当期题目并开始接受作文帖，周期为一周，第二周进行评比和进行第二期。若第二周没有考试则选用以前考试机经写作。
2.作文要求：字数要超过300，并且用word检查过没有简单的语法和拼写错误,采用默认字体，排版清晰
3.参加活动的板油必须点评并修改其他板油的一篇文章。请尽量先修改没有被修改过的文章.点评时请注意措辞，不要打击其他板油积极性。修改时注意用括号和颜色 ，力求清晰明了.修改后再加上你对这篇文章的一句话评语，比如: 评语：总体把握较好,结构清楚。但是，在个别的语态方面犯了小错误

奖励：
1.每位参与者都有10个威望的奖励（必须改完别人的作文），多改一篇多5个威望。
2.优秀作品列入ts写作版范文库，供后人瞻仰借鉴。
3.评选的优秀文章再给与奖励。

mcdream

9月22日作文题

Agree or disagree: extended family现在已经没有以前重要了。

第一个发文的多奖励10威望

Dr.Z

根据大家提出的建议,我做了修改,第一次写了"一边倒"类型的作文,贴在#38. 初次尝试这种ibt写法,还请大家多指教.

A extended family is a group of persons comprising members of several generations united by blood, adoptive, marital or equivalent ties.These kind of families is widely seen in old times in which the elder play a pivotal role.In some cultures, especially the Asians, people live close to their extended family. Several generations may even live together.As the current trend, extended family is no longer highly perceived than it has been before.I disagree with the statement that extended families are of little significance currently.

I maintain my opinion that the extended family also performs an indispensable role in the hyper-productive, democratic, and highly-free society today. In an extended family, children can get better care.When their parents are not in, their grandparents can get along with them, the concerns from their grandparents sometimes may be more tender and scrupulous.The traditional mores may prove to be a earlier formation of the teenagers' morality and ethic.

In addition, by observing filial piety the teenagers' parents have given to their parents, kids can learn how to get along with parents and show respect from heart.By listening to the teenagers legitimate concerns about autonomy and about peer pressures, parents can learn the valuable lesson that effective parenting and strict control are two different things.

Admittedly, there are some disadvantages in the extended families to a certain extent.Many homes are run like a gerontocracy, that is, the most important decisions should be made or approved by the eld.I hold my viepoint that every member in the family should have his own right to express his ideas and feelings. Much more significance should be attached to a sense of equality  Instead of fearing mom and dad, grandma or grandpa.Children may think of them as good friends. Husbands and wives may often share household chores. In many cases, a child can enjoy privacy in his or her own bedroom. From an early age, children gain responsibility in handling money.There are many advantages that extended families could learn from nulear families.

In conclusion, I disagree with the assertion that extended families no longer have their social value.I hold my opinion that extended families could be run much like a democratic ones.

[ 本帖最后由 Dr.Z 于 2007-9-29 13:04 编辑 ]

Dr.Z

版主的这篇有些太难了,我以前真的没遇上过这种话题,所以写起来有些吃力.
写得匆忙,请大家谅解.

yhbhy2

哇塞，DR.Z太勤奋了，我刚交完我们组的作业，而且还是跟在你后头。不管了，困死了，明天我来交这篇作业！

yhbhy2

[quote]原帖由 Dr.Z 于 2007-9-23 22:33 发表

A(An开篇就没分a,an，可要给评卷老师不好印象哦！ ) extended family is a group of persons comprising members of several generations united by blood, adoptive（adj,是不是改用adoption), marital(marriage or marital status) or equivalent ties.These kind of families is widely seen in old times in which the elder play a pivotal role.In some cultures, especially the Asians, people live close to their extended family. Several generations may even live together.As the current trend, extended family is no longer highly perceived than it has been before.(这里是不是最好加个转折）I disagree with the statement that extended families are of little significance currently.

I maintain my opinion that the extended family also performs an indispensable role in the hyper-productive, democratic, and highly-free society today. In an extended family, children can get better care.When their parents are not in, their grandparents can get along with them, （最好重起一句）the concerns from their grandparents sometimes may be more tender and scrupulous.The traditional mores may prove to be a earlier formation of the teenagers' morality and ethic.

In addition, by observing filial piety the teenagers' parents have given to their parents, kids can learn how to get along with parents and show respect from heart.By listening to the teenagers legitimate concerns about autonomy and about peer pressures, parents can learn the valuable lesson that effective parenting and strict control are two different things.（这句话，和extended family有什么关系？）

Admittedly, there are some disadvantages in the extended families to a certain extent.Many homes are run like a gerontocracy, that is, the most important decisions should be made or approved by the eld.I hold my viepoint that every member in the family should have his own right to express his ideas and feelings. Much more significance should be attached to a sense of equality  Instead of fearing mom and dad, grandma or grandpa.Children may think of them as good friends. Husbands and wives may often share household chores. In many cases, a child can enjoy privacy in his or her own bedroom. From an early age, children gain responsibility in handling money.There are many advantages that extended families could learn from nulear families.

In conclusion, I disagree with the assertion that extended families no longer have their social value.I hold my opinion that extended families could be run much like a democratic ones.

嗯，感觉确实不如以前展的开，论证的波澜壮阔。主要还是在extended family的问题上。我的理解extended family应该不仅仅是generations的问题，也包涵叔叔，舅舅等旁系亲属。是否多考虑些这些因素更好些？

yhbhy2

In old times, extended families occupied the mainstream of social system. The social structure was much more simply than right now. People gathered together under the shield of extended families, struggling against the outside threat and cooperating with each other to produce living substances. Nowadays, with the rapid development of society, social structure has been changed a lot. Under such circumstances, a widely discussed issue arose about whether or not extended families are less important than before. To some extent, I tend to agree this opinion for these reasons highlighted below.
To begin with, nowadays, with the high-tech industrialization and speedy globalization, people meet more opportunities to collect useful resources and develop themselves. In other words, people receive more chances to gain competent jobs and live their desirable lives by their own efforts. On the contrary, many decades ago, a lot of people's fates relied on their descent and their family statuses in that society, which means, the extended families were much more powerful than today.  Furthermore, in such a colorful and competitive society, people enjoy their own lives but accompanied with the fast pace of working and great pressure. Overtime-working phenomenon is easy to see everywhere. Globalization offers more chances to youths, especially, providing career future in other cities or even foreign countries. Hence, a major part of young generations work outside their hometowns, even far away from their motherlands. In such situation, scarcely can people stay with their parents, not to mention their grandparents, uncles or aunts etc. The family relationship is fading as an imaginable result.  However, humans are sentimental. Even they are accustomed to their own lives, even they bear so much severe pressure that they have no time to communicate with their relatives, they still long for the warm love from their families, not only nuclear families, but also extended families. That is why people consider traditional festivals as very crucial parts in their daily lives. Whatever how busy they are, whatever how far they live, whatever how expensive it cost to go back home, during important traditional festivals, such as Spring festival and Mid-autumn festival, people would try their best to return home, reunite with their parents, grandparents, and so on, spending the beautiful time with them. The more family members join in the events, the happier they are.
In conclusion, today the extended families do not play as important roles as before. However, even today's society is no more simple and keeping slow pace like before, even people get more chances to make new friends and gain more experiences around the world, instead of obeying rules under the control of extended families or clans, the affection and relationship carried by the blood ties still require people's attentions and preservations.

Dr.Z

In old times, extended families occupied the mainstream of social domestic system. The social structure was much more simply(simpler) than right now. People gathered together under the shield of extended families, struggling against the outside threat and cooperating with each other to produce living substances. Nowadays, with the rapid development of society, social structure has been changed a lot. Under such circumstances, a widely discussed issue arose(has been raised) about whether or not extended families are less important than before. To some extent, I tend to agree (with) this opinion for these reasons highlighted below.
To begin with, nowadays, with the high-tech industrialization and speedy(informal) globalization, people meet more opportunities to collect useful resources and develop themselves. In other words, people receive more chances to gain competent jobs(jobs they are competent for) and live their desirable(prospective) lives by their own efforts. On the contrary, many decades ago, a lot of people's fates relied on their descent and their family(domestic) statuses in that society, which means, the extended families were much more powerful than today.  Furthermore, in such a (这个such指代哪个)colorful and competitive society, people enjoy their own lives but are accompanied(haunted) with the fast(pressing) pace of working and great pressure. Overtime-working phenomenon is easy to see everywhere. Globalization offers more chances to youths(youth), especially, providing career future in other cities or even foreign countries. Hence(因果语气还没这么强烈), a major part of young generations decide to work outside their hometowns, even far away from their motherlands. In such situation, scarcely can people stay with their parents, not to mention(let alone) their grandparents, uncles or aunts etc. The family relationship is fading as an imaginable result.  However, humans are sentimental. Even they are(get or become) accustomed to their own lives, even they bear so much severe pressure that they have no time to communicate with their relatives, they still long for the warm love from their families, not only nuclear families, but also extended families.(这句组织得不错) That(It) is why people consider traditional festivals as very crucial(词用大了) parts in their daily lives. Whatever(No matter) how busy they are, whatever how far they live, whatever and how expensive it cost to go back home, during important traditional festivals, such as Spring festival and Mid-autumn festival, people would try their best to return home, reunite with their parents, grandparents, and so on, spending the beautiful(happy) time with them. The more family members join in the events, the happier they are(would be).
In conclusion, today the extended families do not play as important roles as they do before. However, even today's society is no more simple and keeping slow pace like before, even people get more chances to make new friends and gain more experiences around the world, instead of obeying rules under the control of extended families or clans, the affection and relationship carried by the blood ties still require(need) people's attentions and preservations.

在这个话题上,你的这篇要比我的好多了.举的例子也比较贴切.中秋到了,我们还在上课...,现在没时间,先上课去了.

[ 本帖最后由 Dr.Z 于 2007-9-24 20:19 编辑 ]

yhbhy2

[quote]原帖由 Dr.Z 于 2007-9-24 16:25 发表

多谢！！！

几个小讨论：
simple的比较级是simpler
youth做年轻人解复数要加s
not to mention是更不用说的意思，还是比较常用的。

真喜欢你改的haunt这个词，非常有味道！

mcdream

这期人少多了。

Dr.Z

这个题目有难度,不太容易展开论述,不过有难度才有挑战嘛!

bkbs

一楼的好像有点逻辑混乱

明明是支持的，怎么在让步那一段写得比前两段加起来都多

Teresa^

9.22作文哭死好多人的说....囧．．．

Dr.Z

很同情他们...

玛丽呆

这个题目真的挺难的,而且发现不了解美国的文化,先发自己的文
As it is said, families are the building blocks of the society. In the past, extended family used to be dominant form of family. It was not rare to see a young couple living with their parents or event grandparents. However, Nowadays, extended families have been gradually replaced by a new form, nuclear families. Young couples like to live on their own, and some of them even choose not to have children now. Given these phenomena, it's not hard to arrive at the conclusion that extended families are not as important as they were. I have the following reasons to support my point of view.

First of all, young people have become more and more independent these days. Finacially, they prefer making a living on their own to living with their parents and using their money. A lot of young people would move out of
their parents' house and do part-time jobs to support themselves after they have reached adulthood. And most
parents believe it a good way to train their children and help them learn about life. Phycologically, freedom is
what young people longs for. It gives them a sense of achievement to stand on their own feet. Youngsters today, who are very curious of the outside world, would love to go to other cities to make a living. Take my classmates in college for example, most of them say that they would like to find jobs in a city other than their hometown.

Secondly, people's values have changed a  lot . A lot of people prefer to travel around instead of living in one place only. My high school English teacher Lee is a good example. Lee was born in Britan, but he had already lived in 3 countries before he came to our school. The 20th century also saw the focus of people's life shifting from family towards career. Though family is still an indispensable part of our life, some people devote more of their time and energy to their careers. These all have reduced the importance of extended families.

Last but not least, with the development of the society, the economic status of most families have improved. It has now become unnecessary for family members of different generations to live together to support each other. In a marriage where both sides go to work, their salaries are enough to sustain the good quality of life. What's more, thanks to social welfares, the senior members of the family can now be taken good care of by the government in places like old people's home.

Regarding the reasons listed above, I arrive at the conclusion that extended families are not as popular as they
were.

Word Count: 446

玛丽呆

先改Dr Z的
A(An) extended family is a group of persons comprising of members of several generations united by blood, adoptive, marital or equivalent ties.These kind of families is widely seen in old times in which the elder play a pivotal role.In some cultures, especially the Asians, people live close to their extended family. (People live in extended families/there's a close bound between people and their family members 感觉我的表述也不是很好，不过原具有一点歧义) Several generations may even live together.As the current trend, extended family is no longer highly perceived than it has been before.However, I disagree with the statement that extended families are of little significance currently.（观点的提出有一点突然）

I maintain my opinion that the extended family also performs an indispensable role in the hyper-productive, democratic, and highly-free society today. In an extended family, children can get better care.When their parents are not in(删), their grandparents can get along with（take care of） them, the concerns from their grandparents sometimes may be more tender and scrupulous.The traditional mores(morals) may prove to be a earlier formation of the teenagers' morality and ethic.

In addition, by observing filial piety the teenagers' parents have given to their parents, kids can learn how to get along with parents and show respect from heart.By listening to the teenagers legitimate concerns about autonomy and about peer pressures, parents can learn the valuable lesson that effective parenting and strict control are two different things.

Admittedly, there are some disadvantages in the extended families to a certain extent.Many homes are run like a gerontocracy, that is, the most important decisions should be made or approved by the eld(elder).I hold my viepoint that every member in the family should have his own right to express his ideas and feelings. Much more significance should be attached to a sense of equality  Instead of fearing mom and dad, grandma or grandpa.Children may think of them as good friends. Husbands and wives may often share household chores. In many cases, a child can enjoy privacy in his or her own bedroom. From an early age, children gain responsibility in handling money.There are many advantages that extended families could learn from nulear families.(觉得这段有点乱，之前的这些并不一定是nuclear family的特点)

In conclusion, I disagree with the assertion that extended families no longer have their social value.I hold my opinion that extended families could be run much like a democratic ones(one).

发觉自己对extended family还是不是很了解
这片文章觉得写的有点急，有一些语法什么的小问题应该是可以避免的
觉得理由给的不是很充足，主要只是一个观点：Different generations can benefit from each other
不过这个题目真的好难阿

玛丽呆

In old times, extended families occupied the mainstream of social system. The social structure was much more simply（simpler） than right now. People gathered together under the shield of extended families, struggling against the outside threat and cooperating with each other to produce living substances.(这句描绘的意境不错) Nowadays, with the rapid development of society, social structure has been（删） changed a lot. Under such circumstances, a widely discussed issue arose about whether or not extended families are less important than before. To some extent, I tend to agree with this opinion for these reasons highlighted below.
To begin with, nowadays, with the high-tech industrialization and speedy globalization, people meet more opportunities to collect useful resources and develop themselves. In other words, people receive more chances to gain competent jobs and live their desirable lives by their own efforts. On the contrary, many decades ago, a lot of people's fates relied on their descent and their family statuses in that society, which means, the extended families were much more powerful than today.  Furthermore, in such a colorful and competitive society, people enjoy their own lives but are also accompanied with(threatened by) the fast pace of working and great pressure. Overtime-working phenomenon is easy to see everywhere. Globalization offers more chances to youths, especially, providing career future in other cities or even foreign countries. Hence, a major part of young generations work outside their hometowns, even far away from their motherlands. In such situation, scarcely can people stay with their parents, not to mention their grandparents, uncles or aunts etc. The family relationship is fading as an imaginable result.  However, humans are sentimental. Even they are accustomed to their own lives, even they bear so much severe pressure that they have no time to communicate with their relatives, they still long for the warm love from their families, not only nuclear families, but also extended families. That is why people consider traditional festivals as very crucial parts in their daily lives. Whatever how busy they are, whatever how far they live, whatever how expensive it cost to go back home, during important traditional festivals, such as Spring festival and Mid-autumn festival, people would try their best to return home, reunite with their parents, grandparents, and so on, spending the beautiful time with them. The more family members join in the events, the happier they are.
In conclusion, today the extended families do not play as important roles as before. However, even today's society is no more simple and keeping slow pace (slow-paced) like before, even people get more chances to make new friends and gain more experiences around the world, instead of obeying rules under the control of extended families or clans, the affection and relationship carried by the blood ties still require people's attentions and preservations.

观点占开的很好
比较喜欢你的这种过去和现在对比的写法

lhckj

Tracing the history of human society, two types of families can be roughly seen, which we may call respectively, the extended family and the core family. The former one involve in several generation of family members living together while the latter one consists of only one couple, or at most, young parents and their children. I tend to consent that the extended family plays an less essential in our modern society that it ever did centuries ago.

To begin with, the extended is no longer economically necessary for the maintenance of a family. Several centuries ago, when the development of economy and public welfare is still low, it is necessary for several generations of family members to live together. The young men and women and the young parents have the compulsory to take care of their elder parents because there is no social retirement subsidy prepared for the elder who have already lost their qualification to get access to labor market. Similarly, the elder people have to educate and cultivate the young individuals owning to the unavailability of the compulsory school attendance. Conversely, with the development of the modern public welfare and the legislation of educational field, the maintenance function of extended family has wane someway.

Moreover, it is fairly manifest consolidation value of extended family in emotion, cognition and communication has become less important in modern society, where the rapid economic and social development lead to an increasing gap between generations which we cannot neglect. Hundreds of years ago, when the social developmental tempo was still slow, different generations might share same value, characters and cognition because the people they met was stiffly confined, maybe just their neighbors. They might also read the same books and articles, sing the same songs and hand down the same legends. However, in modern society which is known as information-explosion era or post-industrial society, things have changed dramatically. Different generations acquire information from various sources and are educated in different background, and they probably form distinct values and judgments towards the world in and around themselves. Consequently, the generation gap, a sociological word but we have already known, comes into birth. On some occasions, this gulf between generations becomes so huge that it always causes complications and conflicts among the family members. As the gap increases, the consolidation function of extended family gets less meaningful. Perhaps, the decomposing of extended family is the best way to avert the family tension.

To sum up, it is due to the rapid development of modern society that the extended family is becoming less important for it reduces the economic and consolidation necessity of the family which includes several generations. I insist that the core family may become the predominant pattern of family in future.


足足写了一个小时，欢迎大家多砸砖啊。

[ 本帖最后由 lhckj 于 2007-9-25 22:28 编辑 ]

Dr.Z

As it is said, families are the building blocks of the society. In the past, extended family used to be a dominant form of family. It was not rare to see a young couple living with their parents or event(even) grandparents. However, Nowadays, extended families have been gradually replaced by a new form, nuclear families.(nuclear family并不是一种nowadays的new form, 其实以前就存在了) Young couples like to live on their own, and some of them even choose not to have children now. Given these phenomena, it's not hard to arrive at the conclusion that extended families are not as important as they were.（这些可以证明extended family不再popular，要证明不如以往important还不够） I have the following reasons to support my point of view.

First of all, young people have become more and more independent these days. Finacially, they prefer making a living on their own to living with their parents and using their money. A lot of young people would move out of
their parents' house and do part-time jobs to support themselves after they have reached adulthood. And most
parents believe it a good way to train their children and help them learn much about life. Phycologically, freedom is
what young people longs(long) for. It gives them a sense of achievement to stand on their own feet.(不错) Youngsters today, who are very curious of the outside world, would love to go to other cities to make a living. Take my classmates in college for example, most of them say that they would like to find jobs in a city(cities) other than their hometowns.

Secondly, people's values have changed a  lot . A lot of people prefer to travel around instead of living in one place only. My high school English teacher Lee is a good example. Lee was born in Britan(Britain), but he had already lived in 3 countries before he came to our school. The 20th century also saw the focus of people's life shifting from family towards career. Though family is still an indispensable part of our life, some people devote more of their time and energy to their careers. These all have reduced the importance of extended families.（The comprehesive effect of these factors finally leads to the reduction of the importance of extended families）

Last but not the least, with the development of the society, the economic status of most families have(has) improved. It has now become unnecessary for family members of different generations to live together to support each other. In a marriage where both sides go to work, their salaries are enough to sustain the good quality of life. What's more, thanks to social welfares, the senior members of the family can now be taken good care of by the government in places like old people's home.

Regarding the reasons listed above, I arrive at the conclusion that extended families are not as popular as they
were.(这样才证明了extended family 不再important,建议开头和结尾的important和popular换一下)

mary同学的词汇，语法的基本错误很少，我扫了一遍也只发现少数几个问题。逻辑结构也比较严谨，值得学习。本人能力有限也只能提出这种建议了，希望其他版友也能在发文前，尽量确保没有初级错误，也尽量自己先改一遍润色一下。本人才疏学浅，还请大家来评说吧。

玛丽呆

恩,谢谢楼上的,自己还proof reading了一下，不过还是犯了些低级错误
p.s.问个弱智问题，我们是认识，还是从我的id推出我叫mary?