我的一些写作感悟---修改时可以遵循的一两点指导准则
在坛子里这么长事件，也帮不少板油修改过作文，很早就想写一些关于写作的总结。其实初稿早就写好了，但是有一次重装系统时阴差阳错将数据全部格式化了，当然包括我的初稿、所有相关的考试资料和写作练习。再到后来一直很忙，这件事也就搁置下来了。
回想去年此时，我还在南京上新东方托福班。一年之中，我考了两次托，一次寄。经历了在托福和GPA之间的艰难挣扎，经历了17天红宝大法的残酷洗礼。自己和身边的人都变了很多，有种强烈的物是人非的沧桑之感。现在，我的大三也过完了一半，在为 GPA奋斗的道路即将走到尽头的时候又开始了为论文奋斗的生活。不知道明年夏天的我会是什么样，不知道那时候我的朋友们会是什么样。
发了这么多感慨，现在切入正题吧。下面这些文字是我在准备托福、GRE写作和帮板油修改作文的过程中总结出来的。大家取其精华，当作可以遵循的一两点修改标准；对于糟粕，我们共同讨论。
首先老生常谈一下。正如那句老话，没有输入何来输出。那些想在十天半个月想靠突击拿下写作的人完全没有必要继续阅读本文。节省点时间去google吧，毕竟找这样的经验很费时。
我在大一的暑假坚持背完了新概念三。新概念我背得还不算很差，在正式开始写作练习前基本能做到看到一句话想起上下文。新概念的基础对于我的写作有很大帮助，当然我并不是在这里号召大家都去背新概念。我想强调的是，如果你想写出好文章，首先肚子里要有墨水。
任何作文的评判标准一般分为两类：结构和语言。
一、结构
1.有效性
结构的有效性在于是否文章的每一句话都能和论点紧密联系起来，有力地支持论点。我们在这里寻找的应该是最直接、最简单的联系。下面举一个例子：论述下汽车对于环境的影响。
这是我们比较熟悉的话题，有很多切入点，比如大气污染，噪音污染等等。试看下面这段话：
Exhaust gas from cars leads to global warming. Global warming is responsible for the rise of sea level and threatens the existence of low land along the shore. It may also result in the extinction of hundreds of thousands of species. If global warming continues to exert negative influence on deteriorating environment, we could no longer survive on the planet.
乍一看，每句都很在理。但是问题在于它偏离了论点。论点是汽车尾气对于温室效应的影响，那么最直接的是尾气和温室效应之间的联系。我们需要论证的是汽车导致了温室效应，上面着重强调的温室效应可能造成的可怕影响完全可以点到即止。试看下面这段：
Cars lead to serious environmental problems. They constantly keep emanating exhaust gas. A survey indicates that exhaust gas stands up the highest proportion of greenhouse gas and makes great contributions to global warming which may lead to the rise of sea level and extinction of many species. Besides, it is impossible for us to escape from the smelly gas which usually brings us depressed spirits.
下面是一段我自己的习作：
GRE: ISSUE17 - "There are two types of laws: just and unjust. Every individual in a society has a responsibility to obey just laws and, even more importantly, to disobey and resist unjust laws."
Firstly, it is our responsibility to obey just laws. Only when every individual acts in the way permitted by laws can we expect that our life and property would be safe. Without laws, car owners are likely to drive as fast as they wish and automobiles would be a mobile threat to us. Free from restrictions, travelers would not have been able to enjoy a safe journey have not contrabands been forbidden to carry. When legislations are ignored, chances are that children are deserted by parents and the old lead a hard life without being supported by children. Therefore, laws are a guarantee to individuals' rights and we should exhaust our best to obey them.
论点/对论点的解释/起强调作用，突出论据和论点的联系/总结
2.紧凑性
考场上时间毕竟有限，我们在有限的时间内敲出来的文字也肯定是有限的，因此我们要争取用相对少或者同样的字数来表达相对多的信息量。这里就涉及到结构的紧凑性问题。
还是以上面汽车对环境影响为例。试看下面一段话：
Greenhouse gas exerts negative influence on environment. It leads to global warming. It should be responsible for smelly atmosphere as well. Besides, it brings about acid rain.
Greenhouse gas leads to serious environmental problems, global warming, smelly atmosphere, acid rain, to name just a few.
紧凑的结构不但表达相对多的信息，也给人赏心悦目的感觉。
GRE:ISSUE36 - "The greatness of individuals can be decided only by those who live after them, not by their contemporaries."
Firstly, the greatness of some individuals is recognized by their contemporaries. It is because people at that time are able to understand their greatness. The Nobel Price is a case in point. It is established to reward significant achievements in a variety of fields ranging from physics to business. A scholar's being rewarded usually means that his/her efforts and achievements are accepted by the world (Being rewarded usually means that a scholar’s achievements are accepted by the world), so is his/her greatness (del). The price is so authoritative that few people would ever cast doubt on it as few people would ever suspect the price’s authoritative and justice). What is more, Leonardo da Vinci, Edison, Beethoven lived in different times and worked in different fields. But there is one thing in common. They all people with considerable fame and were respected by all levels of society throughout history (Their greatness is accepted by contemporaries from all levels of society). Therefore, the greatness of individuals can be understood by people living at the same time. (Of course this is not a coincidence but because the cognitive ability at that time had enabled them to understand those eminent people’s ideas and works. )
蓝色部分是对原始版本的修改。将修改过的部分摘抄如下：
A scholar's being rewarded usually means that his/her efforts and achievements are accepted by the world, so is his/her greatness. The price is so authoritative that few people would ever cast doubt on it.
Being rewarded usually means that a scholar’s achievements are accepted by the world as few people would ever suspect the price’s authoritative and justice.
修改过的句子更简洁连贯。
They all people with considerable fame and were respected by all levels of society throughout history.
Their greatness is accepted by contemporaries from all levels ofsociety.
这样修改是为了和题目联系更紧密。
二、语言
我在练习写作初期有这样的困惑：“明明背了不少文章，为什么提起笔就不知道如何表达呢？”总结之后，我觉得有如下两个原因。
1.打通输入输出的通道
对于同样的意思有若干种我们熟知的表达方法，不要将自己局限在某一个死胡同里。下面是一个我常举的例子。
I cannot live without you.
这是一个最基本的表达“不……”的句式。对于想写出漂亮文章的同学来说，仅仅能写出这样最基本的句型是肯定不够的。
I am unable to live without you. (be able to do sth.)
I am incapable of living without you. (be capable of doing sth.)
看到上面这两个句子后请各位好好想想。印象中这两个短语在高中就学过了，可是我们在写作中使用这两个短语的频率远远小于cannot.为什么？我想原因就在于我们在看到“能”的时候，潜意识里首先想到的肯定是can。尽管我们的脑海中存在一些更高级的表达方式，但我们并没有有意识地将这些高级的输入运用起来。
It is necessary to pay enough attention to environmental problems.
It is of great necessity to pay enough attention to environmental problems.
Exhaust gas is negative for environment.
Exhaust gas exerts negative influence on environment.
The concert is called off because of bad weather.
The concert is called off due to bad weather.
上面几个句子的两种表达方法我们都是熟知的。行文之所以单调是因为我们没有形成使用第二种的习惯。这就要求我们在修改的过程中反复思考寻找我们掌握的、高级的表达方式。（澄清一下，单调并不是说不好。只是再有创意的东西一旦大众化，就会显得没有创意了。要想在人海中脱颖而出，还是需要亮点的。）
2.开发输入输出的通道
第二个原因我想是思维的问题。我们写作文时一般都是在脑海中用中文组织论点然后再用英语表达出来，其实也就是一个翻译的过程。也可以更确切地说，是直译。因此我们的语言经常显得很呆板，也很做作。克服的办法在于将其他输入转化为输出。
通过LINING和ADIDAS的广告对比就能看出一些思维差异：一切皆有可能。
Anything is possible.我觉得是一句很自然很名正言顺的话，符合我们的思维。在看了Impossible is nothing.后我们大都会嘲笑李宁广告的低水准，不过我倒想问一问，如果换作是你，你能想出用双重否定加倒装吗？你就知道外国人在设计中文广告词的时候不会把“一切皆有可能”说成“所有都有可能”？
下面是专业书习题中的一句话，觉得很好：
A RISC advocate would try to eliminate the use of IMUL.
细细品位，我觉得这句话至少有两个妙处。首先，A RISC advocate 就是在提醒我们从RISC的角度来思考问题。其次，eliminate这个词的语气比我们常用的avoid强烈得多。（计算机术语：RISC－精简指令集，IMUL－一种乘法指令）
“我对你的作文很满意。”我们大多将其翻译为”I am satisfied with your essay.”如果用”Your essay satisfies me.”是不是更好一些？我见过一些板油的文章每句话都以I开头，这个例子至少可以解决这个问题。
Would you please keep quiet?
I would be very thankful if you keep quiet.
同样的意思，第一句是从“你”的角度说，第二句是从“我”的角度说。
I cannot live without you.（“没有你我活不下去。”）
It is impossible for me to live without you.（“对于我来说，没有你活下去是不可能的”）
这两个句型我们都是耳熟能详，使用的频率也都很高。相对于括号中的汉语，我们肯定能将相应的句型对应起来。上面这些例子归结起来，我们要做的就是，给你第一句话的汉语，写出第二个句型。
结构和语言的问题都可以透过“写作－修改”来克服。上面谈到的几个问题可以给大家在修改作文时提供一些参考的准则。如果你觉得自己的文章很杂乱很幼稚，那么没关系，修改的时候调集你的全部智慧，以论据支持论点为指导思想，将幼稚的换成高级的，同时从不同的角度思考。写作是脑力活，也是体力活。还是那句话，反复练习，则佳作可期。
为了说明问题的方便，我将自己的习作进行了一些修改，同时所举例子也都很简单，希望不会给各位板油造成英语写作不过如此的错觉。
很多具体的写作技巧，比如夸张、同位语、插入语、双重否定等等，并不在本文的讨论范围。这些问题大虾们都有不少帖子，大家可以搜来看看。
准备TOEFL和GRE是一件很痛苦的事。TOEFL听力的迷茫，GRE填空7错5的尴尬……我几乎被这前所未有的绝望所击倒。现在想想，虽然结果有喜有忧，但是坚持下来，是我最骄傲的。
希望这些文字能给大家带来一些有益的提示。
lsyx Jan.2008
[ 本帖最后由 lsyx 于 2008-7-12 17:28 编辑 ]
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